Sunday, March 10, 2013

25 Cool Life Hacks for the Average Muslim

Disclaimer: Please take note that this article is mainly for humorous purposes and should be taken lightly though there are some valid and true information in some instances. So, please do not get your halal panties in a bunch over these hacks.

You know what I've been loving lately? Life hacks. These have been sweeping the internet recently and I can't get enough of them. For those who don't know what life hacks are they have been defined as a "productivity trick, shortcut, skill, or novelty method to increase productivity and efficiency, in all walks of life; in other words, anything that solves an everyday problem in a clever or non-obvious way might be called a life hack".

There are plenty of life hacks lists posted on the internet which demonstrate a plethora of different neat tricks. For example, using a dustpan to fill a container that doesn't fit in a sink, take a picture of a friend holding something he wants to borrow so you won't forget he's borrowing it, using a can opener to open the pesky hard plastic packaging for electronics are just a few clever hacks notable on the interwebs.

But what about life hacks for the average Muslim? There's gotta be some things we can do to simplify our lives, right? I have gathered, both from experience and from valuable information passed down from wise brothers and sisters of the past, a list of 25 Muslim life hacks designed to make our lives just a little bit easier. Take a look!

1. Have Trouble Waking up For Fajr? Set your alarm clock, your Adhan Clock, your smartphone's alarm, your smartphone's adhan app, your wife's smartphone alarm, your wife's adhan app etc ALL at fajr time. If you still aren't able to wake up after all that, then I guess there's no need to pray cause you must be already dead.

2. Trouble staying up after Fajr? Wudu again with ice cold water OR if you're married (and a man) have your spouse smack you, odds are she's been wanting to do it for a while and this is the perfect excuse.

3. Surefire way to avoid shaking a non-mahram's hand in the workplace/school, sneeze! (yarhumukullah, buddy!)

4. Trying to remember those duas you read in Fortress of a Muslim? Tag your house with those duas, put em in your car etc.

5. Need to relieve yourself in a public place? Carry a sports squirt bottle with you. Sure you may get funny looks but hey, you're not the one with skid marks so the jokes on them!

5b. Install a bidet(sprayer) in your home like they have at the masjid for that remarkably refreshing feel that is guaranteed to raise your property value exponentially. Invite non-Muslim friends over and have them use the restroom; they will have a life-altering experience.

6. Brothers, need help lowering your gaze? Picture your mama/sister/daughter or grandma every time someone from the opposite gender passes you by. You won't be staring at badonkadonks anymore now.

7. Skip the gum, carry a miswak! (Whitens teeth, freshens breath naturally)

Credit (Islam Hacks)

8. Unbearably hot summer day? Wear a thobe for well ventilated coolness. And as a special bonus, you'll always be ready for prayer (Helpful Tip: don't wear anything underneath--that's right, be nekkid!--no one will know! It'll be our little secret, hehe ;p)

Credit: Islamic Art Database

9. Someone's knocking at your front door and you need to hurry and answer it before they leave! Don't scramble, use the nearby curtain as a hijab and you'll be good, sisters!

10. Have a catchy tune in your head that you just can't shake? Listen to Sheikh Feiz Muhammad's lectures, guaranteed to make you abort that song from your mind real quick!

11.. Feeling some road rage? Play Qur'an in your car. Four letter words drastically decrease when it is played in traffic.

Friggedy Friggedy Fresh!

12. Eid is around the corner and you don't have the dough for an expensive getup? Get a white tall tee from an urban clothing store and just accessorize with a kufi and/or kaffiyeh and you'll be all good, son!

13. Brother in the masjid smelling rank? Put some attar on that boy! If his breath is kicking too, hand him a miswak. Problem solved and you get some "following-the-sunnah" cool points!

14. Stuck in a long line? Multitask my brother/sister! Get a ton of sins forgiven and a bunch of cool points with your Creator by the time it's your turn up front. Dhikr, dhikr, dhikr.

15. Need to find a private place to pray on campus or in an office building when you can't find an empty room? Find some stairs and pray in the area behind them...also the ultimate hiding spot for hide and seek.

16. Want to be the cool Muslim guy/girl in the workplace? When Eid comes around, hand your close co-workers and your supervisor a little gift bag with a candybar, a "What is Islam, Who are the Muslims book" and a nice little notecard. Islam/Muslims seen in a positive light with less than 5 bucks!

17. Need to Pray, Read Quran or Hadiths on the go? There's apps for that!

18. Say "Bithnillah" (With the Permission of Allah) rather than InshaAllah (If Allah wills) to your friends and family when making a promise to do something or when you intend to complete a task for extra motivation to actually get it done. The more people you tell, the more accountable you become, and also, the more you make an ass of yourself if you fail to carry it out.

Your Mailbox a week after you tell the world you're on the Market.
19. How to feel like a stud. Tell every Muslim you know that you have the intention of getting married, odds are they will begin playing matchmaker and presenting you with different prospects that are interested in you. Get the feeling of a player without all of that haram fornication and flirting.

20. Feeling hunger pangs while fasting? Sleep. (Haha J/K. I don't have a hack for this one. Allah make it easy is all I can say.)

21. To the pregnant sisters. Want to ease the pain of contractions and labor and speed up the process? Do it the natural way. Eat dates!

22. Never be stumped by a non-Muslim again! When a non-Muslim at work or school throws one of those pesky Frequently Asked Islamic Questions or FAIQS at you that you can't adequately answer, get into a coughing fit and asked to be excused briefly. Immediately get on your smartphone and google the question until you get a sufficient answer and return back to the party. Now you can concisely and confidently answer the question.

23. Want to be the ultimate neighbor? Whip up a plate of Biryani and hand it to the folks next door, 9 times out of 10 they'd appreciate it (free food!) and will think you weirdo Muslims aren't so bad after all. (Caution: Please adjust spice level based on the ethnicity of your neighbor. Ex: Mexicans/Asians=Spicy, African-American=Medium, White=Mild, All Latinos not Mexican=Just douse it with sugar, they're punks.)

24. Sport a significantly large Sunnah beard and walk onto any neighborhood basketball court, chances are you'll be automatically picked up to play without having to wait, no matter your skill level (works more effectively in Houston,TX than any other place).

25. For any problem in life big or small, read the Qur'an.

Do you know a clever life hack? Please share your technique in the comments below!


  1. This is great! There's some good practical advice and the curtain hijab really made me lol :)

  2. not sure if serious or joking about curtain hijab *insert futurama fry meme*

  3. Lol your a Muslim but yet u speak as if you are from the ghetto. fucking hipacrits.

  4. Says the guy that speaks as if they're from the special Ed class. H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E-S. Good day, sir or ma'am.

  5. Lolz Asif. :) This is Sister Brittnye from the Tuesday night halaqas. We missed you yesterday! Hope you and your lovely wife are doing well.

    And as a side note, I have successfully made emergency hijabs out of: t-shirts; pillow cases; blankets; and the occasional other person's head. :)

  6. This quote from #23 very disrespectful, hurtful, and not indicative of any Muslims behavior : All Latinos not Mexican=Just douse it with sugar, they're punks."

    TO ANY LATINO READING THIS: You are NOT punks, and any Muslim would be glad to make proper biryani for you!