Thoughts From An Expectant PhilAsifather.
This isn't something I have just found out, as I've known for a little over a month. Sorry PhilAsify Fanatics, you guys are not the first to know. Aside from having to first have complete consent and approval from the wifey to break the news over the interwebs, I really just needed some time to digest the fact that the contents of my scrotum (through the will and infinite power of Allah) has produced a human being inside the womb of the love of my life.
The Day Shizz Got Real
December the 3rd, 2012--It was a dreaded Monday which meant another pain-staking workweek in the office performing menial tasks and vegging out on the internet to numb myself from the reality of my creativity being raped daily inside a cubicle for nine hours. While I was pretending to look busy, something unusual happened, a text message from wifey saying to "CALL HER ASAP".
I don't know about you readers, but I'm the kinda guy who usually expects the worst when someone urgently wants to speak with me. This should not be taken lightly at all. That is because I drum up the most morbidly effed-up terrifying things in the world in the deep,dark crevices of my psyche when I feel anxious and antsy. I hate that I'm like this but this tendency has stayed with me ever since I was a little tyke squirming in my car seat waiting uncomfortably and thinking my dad was brutally murdered by a biker gang just because he took a few minutes too long inside a gas station.
I zip out to the lobby to answer the phone anticipating what bombshell was going to be revealed to me. A few possible scenarios were already formed: 1) My wife has been robbed 2) My wife was involved in a horrible car accident--NO, Not just that!--A massive 83 car pileup! 3) A combination of the two. Somewhere in my mind the possibility of her calling to tell me she's pregnant was there, but it may have been scenario number 71.
Clearly sounding like she had been crying, she tells me she's pregnant. At first, immediate sigh of relief cause it wasn't one of my catastrophic worst-case scenario mind-fudges. Then I was slightly delighted, and then of course, I felt the queasy unsettling feeling of "WHAT THE F&*# AM I GOING TO DO??" that every new dad on the planet experiences. The feeling exacerbated after I ended the call and went back to work and was texted this:
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| A Change of Pants, Please! |
Yup, not one but two pregnancy tests and wifey told me that she IMMEDIATELY got the streaks. That baby was there and it was staying there!
The Colossal Questions
Fast forward to today and I'm calm, or about as calm as a person can be in this situation. I've done some reading and contemplating and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone on this journey. I know that a lot of dudes--and I'm talking about guys who have the intention of becoming a father--when the news finally hits them, they're not exactly jumping for joy. Internally, I said to myself, "No! Not yet!". The colossal questions on every prospective dads mind then flashed through my head:
- Just how in the hell is my immature behind going to be a father?
- What kind of father am I going to be?
- How am I going to provide for the family?
- How much is this bundle of joy going to cost?
- How much is this bundle of joy going to cost?
- Will I be a good dad?
- How much again?
- Seriously, how much are we talking here?
I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish before even trying to conceive. And looking back it's kinda funny how people treat those pre-pregnancy goals like a "Before I die" bucket list where one's death actually is the birth of their child.
Those goals I laid out can still be achieved. I want to be a more established and productive blogger, and I can. Heck, I should thank the child for giving me a lifetime's worth of incoming material for my blogs!
I want to be able to make creative writing ability my main source of income (be it blogging, screenwriting,book authoring etc). I can still do that! A child can be the ultimate catalyst to productivity the way I see it. I don't want my child to think I'm a bum that isn't living his dream and I don't want my kid going hungry and butt naked because I can't provide for him. If that isn't enough motivation for me to move my fingers and get my fat butt off of the Playstation, then I'm screwed.
One thing I am relieved about is now people can quit bugging the Wife and I with the "Ya'll don't have kids yet?" It's funny because we intended to have our first baby much later and my wife even said this to one sister and she said something to the effect of, "No matter how much you plan, Allah is best of planners." She was right. I mean, I'm reading articles and books (I recommend "The Dudes Guide to Pregnancy" to all the pregnant homies out there by the way, yes you're pregnant too, I actually learned that in the book.) but no amount of classes, workshops, training camps, reading materials or what have you can prepare you for a child. You just hop on that train and hope you don't fall, then learn as you go.
Insha-Allah, in edition to my other blogs, I will sporadically post my reflections and observations of fatherhood (I still can't believe I'm writing that!) so stay tuned for those.
I make dua that my child is a righteous believer, that I come out of this experience more mature and wise, that I be an exemplary father and provider for my family. Ameen. All I can ask of you all is to make dua for me, my child and my wife as well. I'm--ahem, WE'RE gonna need it!
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